CNN May Care What You Think, But I Don't

When I woke up this morning, I found myself wondering how the election strife in Iran was going. Not the least bit interested in informed journalistic investigation or intellectual credentials of any kind, I went straight for the best possible source: rimjob96 and his/her Twitter. Or maybe hardknob46's blog on Myspace. Hell, either one would do, because worldwide media has cluttered to the point where I don't give a fuck who gives me my info. It's all one big clusterfuck anyway, so why not seek out rustytrombone57's Tweet on Iranian women's rights based on Mike "The Lion" Weinstein's Facebook status updates drawn from skittlesgirl17's Myspace blog that she wrote during her 9th grade English class.

Luckily for the incipient morons who actually think this way, CNN knows just what kind of valuable news they're looking for. They've gashed away entire chunks of airtime to probe the dipshit-o-sphere and see what ramdon viewers are blogging or Tweeting or jerking off into cyberspace. Why rely on accomplished, certifiably intelligent journalists to provide one with knowledge of current events if you can ask the balding 45-year-old pedophile down the street or the 15-year-old girl getting you uncomfortably aroused while she skateboards past your lawn. Because they're just as likely as anyone else to be the great minds scrolled onto the television screen by Mark Sanchez or Wolf Blitzer or any other member of the deteriorating CNN hack machine.

I understand the need for these networks to fill airtime. And I understand that the journalists working at said networks don't exactly inspire a lot of trust these days. But at least they can provide SOME KIND of filter, some professional processing of the whirlwind of information coming in from around the globe. If they're going to spend their time parroting the words of unidentified internet drones, then there's really no reason for them to exist at all. I have a computer, and so do most Americans. CNN would better serve us by filling their slots with infomercials for salad slicers or amazing absorbing dish towels. I trust those people more than the army of attention-starved imbeciles throwing their thoughts into the cloud.

Oh wait, I'm one of those people. Hey, maybe CNN can post my entries in the middle of a news hour while qualified thinkers like Fareed Zakaria are forced to sit and force interest. Man, my information is valuable! Boy are you people in trouble.